Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
