I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
