The maid of honor just puked.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
