They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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