Dual....:-)
I wish life had little blips of pornography
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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