if only i could text you this smell
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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