i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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