you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
