census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
