as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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