Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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