Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
