She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
