Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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