I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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