I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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