Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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