I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
