the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you win again, gameday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
