you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
