She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
