I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
