i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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