You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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