textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
