3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
