u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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