just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
