Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
