What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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