So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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