Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
