I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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