While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
