i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You pole danced in your parka.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
