you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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