mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is Oprah even human
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The Olympian is in my bed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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