I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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