Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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