I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
