It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
