she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I love you.
Bad choice
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