god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
