What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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