I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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