Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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