I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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