I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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