bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
