saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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