I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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