her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
