I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
